The Hard Truth About Addiction

The Hard Truth of Addiction:  A family members perception

   I understand the harsh realities of addiction.  I understand that this is not the life you wanted or dreamed you would have.  I have watched as you have struggled through every issue that has been dealt to you.  I see the glimpses of the person you are, and the amazing things you can be.  These are all the things I know and understand about addiction.
   
    There are things that maybe you don't see or understand about what your addiction means to your family.  This addiction has taken someone we love and cared about.  It has eaten away at the very being of the person that we idolized as a child growing up.  We are left to pick up the pieces that this addiction leaves behind.  These pieces are not always the obvious ones either.  They can sometimes be the broken promises of sobriety, or the sting of hurtful words.  They can also sometimes be the pieces of a broken heart that truly believed you when you said you were gonna get help.  The hardest pieces to put together are the peices of a broken heart left in the wake of a phone call saying you have been found unresponsive due to an overdose.

   I am admittedly new to this entire addiction situation.  I married into these situations, and have watched my wife struggle through everything because of the lessons she had to learn growing up.  She is a wonderful, beautiful, caring soul, and means the world to me.  She has never been addicted to anything in her life, but the pains of addiction are just as prevalent in her life as they would be in the life of someone who is addicted.  She struggles with trust, anger, and attachment.  As long as we have been together(8 years this May), I have watched in amazement how she dealt with instances of addiction.  I was introduced to this very early in our realtionship.  One day I called to ask if she wanted to hang out, and when she answered the phone I could tell something was bothering her.  She finally felt like she could bring me into a problem she had been faced with her whole life.  Her family struggles with addiction. 

    At first, I wasn't sure exactly what she meant.  I had never known anyone to struggle with drugs or alcohol, at least not in this sense.  She explained that this was something that has been apart of her childhood for as long as she remembered, and that her grandparents were actually the ones who raised her.  She went into details, but they aren't important for this story.  What is important is that I, that day, my first experience with addiction, I decided that I knew that no matter what I didn't want to see her hurt like this.  I never knew this pain, but I knew she didn't deserve it.  Since that day, I have watched as countless things have occurred where addiction has reared it's ugly head.  That addiction has ranged from drug abuse to alcoholism, and it has affected not only the lives of the addict, but my wife, and now my two sons.  Everytime I still get the feeling I felt the day I first heard my wife crying on the telephone.  It's a feeling I am starting to recognize all to well.

   Although, addiction is never completely out of our lives, it had started taking a backseat to recovery in most instances.  Family members were more visible and present, church had become a major part of the lives of my wife, children, and her family, and I started to notice a change for the better.  However, just like everytime before it addiction took the spotlight.  We have recently been put back in the middle of the battle once again.  We, meaning my wife and kids, have taken in one of my nephews.  The circumstances are not important, but the reality is that addiction played a major role.  Although we are no strangers to the wounds that addiction causes something felt different with this.  As soon as my wife told me about the possibility of the baby being addicted and removed, I knew we had to help.  I know that my life isn't perfect, and my marriage is far from problem free, but something in me needed to help.

   I can understand almost everything addiction carries with it.  However, what I can not understand is the inability to care for the life of an unborn child.  Especially your own flesh and blood.  I have watched this amazing little person struggle through the beginning months of his life, and it hurts.  It hurts me to see it, it hurts knowing we can't help him, and it definitely hurts knowing this is something he will most likely deal with for the rest of his life. The idea that a child was brought into this world with such disregard is something I will never understand.  My wife is a very loving, caring, understanding individual, more often than not, giving the benefit of the doubt is something she can't help but do.  It is a trait that I envy in her. I am still in astonishment seeing what she has been through, what she has seen, and still there is something in her that says I need to be the person who supports.

   I will never truly understand the trials and tribulations of someone struggling with addiction.  I will never understand that moment in time when you need to choose between your addiction and something you care about. What I do understand is what it looks like to be a pillar of support, a rock in time of need, the light in the storm of darkness, and the outstretched hand of someone who cares.  I understand this because I have and continue to witness it day in, and day out, everytime I look at my wife and the life that she tries to live. 

   As always, be amazing and remember...you are the difference between a smile and a frown, so be the reason they smile.

New Parenting

The concept of "New Parenting" is something that I have come up with over the last few years.  This concept is the idea that the methods of parenting that we as parents were raised on, are no longer effective when dealing with a new idea of what childhood has become.  When I was growing up, video games were just beginning to blow up, but in order to hang out with friends you needed to get on your bike and meet up with the gang at the park.  The entire day your parents trusted that you were alive and making smart decisions on where to go and what you are doing. 

Today's world is not at all close to that.  The world now has become a constant stream of information overload, sandwiched between moments of fleeting social interaction.  I sometimes look at my son's and think about all of things that they have going on in their lives, and it's a wonder that they are ever able to function with the amount of stimulation around them.  I get frustrated with the fact that they are constantly on the move and seem to never settle down.  I forget at times that for them it is normal and actually necessary for them to adapt to the world we live in.  If I was to try and force them into my idea of what they should be doing, chances are that they would actually be left behind in today's society.  The world has transformed into a constant motion, never ending information cycle.  This has conditioned our children to also be in constant motion and be multitasking from the time they wake up until the time they go to sleep at night.

Watching my son's throughout the day it is amazing to me the amount of energy that they expend every minute.  Both of my children are able to have a conversation, play on a tablet, watch their favorite show, and still be upset when I move their favorite toy from the floor to the toy box, because they are "playing with that."  This behavior can be the most beautiful and most frustrating thing in the entire realm of raising a child.  It's beautiful because of the effort that goes into being on that level day after day.  Frustrating because of the fact that at times it literally feels like if I was to talk to the wall, more would be heard and more would be accomplished.

This is where the entire concept of "New Parenting" comes into play.  I am horrible at this currently, but I see the need to adjust my expecations and my idea of how a child should act and behave.  The idea that children should blindly follow instructions and do as they are told without questions is dying.  This is not the way of the world today.  So, I have to ask myself, what is my job as a father?  It is to prepare my son's for the world ahead and make them the most successful, innovative leaders they can be.  What kind of example am I setting if I expect them to blindly follow orders I throw out, but then expect them to be leaders.  I need to embrace their ability to question the status quo, and their challenge what they feel needs challenging.

This concept is easy to understand, but damn near impossible to implement.  The reward is right there for the taking, and although it is going to be difficult to change, the lives and successes of my two blessings is worth the frustration and aggravation.

As always be amazing and remember...you are the difference between a smile and a frown, so be the reason the smile.

The Beginning

So, this is my first blog post since...well EVER!  I have a ton of built up information that I just wish I could put it all into words.  This is the beginning to what I hope is my outlet for all of this craziness that I call life...So, here goes nothing...

Since as long as I can remember all I ever wanted to do in life was be a father.  I grew up in an all too familiar dynamic now-a-days, my biological father had left my mother when I was less than a year old, and I was raised by a man that I looked at as a hero.  He was tough...he loved tough, spoke tough, and man did he discipline tough.  Throughout my childhood, I spent majority of my time with my "Dad".  That was something I always cherished, and something I always told myself that I would make sure I did with my son.  What I didn't know was that along with hanging out, I was soaking in all of the negative things that at 10 or 11 you don't even recognize.  Looking back now, I see where I get my short temper, my inability to handle stress, my bad eating habits, and a million other things that I wish I wouldn't be passing on to my sons.  I love my Dad, and there are hundreds of things from back then that I would be lucky to pass on, but the problem is that at the moment I find myself doing more of the things I wish I had never seen.

I never wanted to be the Dad that busted his kids ass for acting up.  Even now, I still don't want to do it.  I sit and think about changing my way of handling issues, but for some reason it seems to always go back to a spanking.  I try hard to be patient, but everytime something seems to click in me and I revert right back into what I know.  I am a very loving father, and I want to give my son's the world.  On the flip side, I'm sure my son's would tell you that I am tough...I love tough, I speak tough, and man do I discipline tough...of all the things I wanted to learn from my Dad, the things that are seeming to define me are the things I liked the least about being a kid.

Here's hoping for a new outlook.  Stay amazing and remember...you are the difference between a smile and a frown, so be the reason they smile.

Deuces

D